Stuart I - Hello, my name is Stuart

This is awesome, Kyle.....I first was introduced to the [H] about 6 and a half years ago - and it was specifically because of the Stuart writings. I remember exactly how it happened too.

Somehow, I found the old Biznizzy site (remember that guy?) online like seven years ago looking for freakin' Biz Markie's site. Back when searches were still a little flaky, and Yahoo was still cool, so you'd spend time guessing URLS.... Anyway, Biznizzy started linking to the Stuart stories, which were awesome, and then that led me to reading some of the other news items and articles. Fast forward a few years, and I went from being a graphic designer Mac zealot, to a boxxen-building IT Director for a whole college. Reader of the [H] now for almost 7 years....

I blame Stuart for it all, especially for convincing my roomates at the time to actually fooking HAVE A METABO'QUILL NIGHT. Talk about a poor-man's speedball.
 
Holy. Cow.

What was that supposed to be?! It made absolutely no sense to me, but I found it oddly funny. Who is Stuart, and what is he trying to do?
 
Oh my, and now I find myself strangely anticipating the next installment of the story of Stuart.
 
Brings back memories...I can't remember if this is before or after I stuck my cat in my PC case and made the front page. Good times.
 
Catboxer said:
Brings back memories...I can't remember if this is before or after I stuck my cat in my PC case and made the front page. Good times.
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Hehe, that was greatness.

September 27, 2000

The first person to get me a GOOD PICTURE of their cat in the case with a monitor running any OS (yes you will need another computer to do this, please turn off the computer first, we don't want fluffy's face chopped off by all those damn fans) gets a free Ratpadz Mousing Surface plus two to share... Send your pic to [email protected].
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And the finale'

Wednesday September 27, 2000

[H]ardNews 4th Edition - [C]at|BOX
While it is a tad hard to make out, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a live cat in this guys computer case. The peeps NEVER cease to amaze me. Congrats to the single runner up, but your cat was NOT totally inside the box and that was a strict requirement.
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I never read these when they were first published as I didnt understand what the hell was going on or how it fit in with this site, but now I think they are hilarious and glad you re-published them.
 
Thanks for republishing them! They were originally posted about a year before I started visiting the site. They make a few minutes of my day not boring.
 
Hahaha! I saw these years and years ago on some geocities site. I thought it was such a shame they were on some little known site, because the world was a poorer place without them... it seems they didn't originate there, though. I had no idea they originated here. that is seriously cool :D
 
STUARTS BACK! wohooo!


Have waited years for these to come back since they were taken off the mainpage.

....hmmm aboout the same time [H]andleBars disappeared! Coincidence?....i think not.
 
sirholio said:
gonna have to copy and paste these into a word doc or something.
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The URLs that they are currnetly at will remain unchanged and open to public access. So just bookmark them.
 
This would be even better if I had a few of his cocktails!

I gave Mr.Frisky Kittens some of the Hormel Chili I cooked. He seemed to enjoy it at first, but then started puking all over my mom’s new white carpeting, by the time I got back from putting Mr.Frisky Kittens in the bathtub, the dog was eating the puke, he got most of it up but there is still a red stain. I think I can get the rest out with some gasoline.
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Gasoline what a great ideal!
 
InorganicMatter said:
Would someone PLEASE explain these letters to me? All I see is the ravings of a madman...
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Really don't get it? Okay--take your stereotypical pathetic computer geek, early thirties and living in his parents' basement. Add the fact that he's a phanboi of both Microsoft and X-Files-style conspiracy theories. He has no social life, given the above, so his sexual appetites are expressing themselves in increasingly bizarre ways. Either as a result of his ill-advised experiments with drugs and supplements or as part of his nature, he is a paranoid schizophrenic on the edge of a psychotic break. Exaggerate for effect, and voila! Comedy!

What really makes it funny? Recognition. There are many people in geekdom who exhibit at least some of these qualities in real life. You may even find a little bit of Stuart within yourself.

With me, for example, the first time I happened to stumble upon Kristina Abernathy on the Weather Channel while surfing up the dial, I thought she was one of the cutest girls I had seen in a long time, petite, full of personality, great at communicating to the audience. (This was like 14 years ago, understand.) I did find myself wishing that she was really speaking directly to me with that knowing little grin of hers. So, bam! I get in touch with my inner Stuart and laugh my butt off!

Kristina, Kristina, why did you never call.... sob...
 
Commander Suzdal said:
Really don't get it? Okay--take your stereotypical pathetic computer geek, early thirties and living in his parents' basement. Add the fact that he's a phanboi of both Microsoft and X-Files-style conspiracy theories. He has no social life, given the above, so his sexual appetites are expressing themselves in increasingly bizarre ways. Either as a result of his ill-advised experiments with drugs and supplements or as part of his nature, he is a paranoid schizophrenic on the edge of a psychotic break. Exaggerate for effect, and voila! Comedy!

What really makes it funny? Recognition. There are many people in geekdom who exhibit at least some of these qualities in real life. You may even find a little bit of Stuart within yourself.

With me, for example, the first time I happened to stumble upon Kristina Abernathy on the Weather Channel while surfing up the dial, I thought she was one of the cutest girls I had seen in a long time, petite, full of personality, great at communicating to the audience. (This was like 14 years ago, understand.) I did find myself wishing that she was really speaking directly to me with that knowing little grin of hers. So, bam! I get in touch with my inner Stuart and laugh my butt off!

Kristina, Kristina, why did you never call.... sob...
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Pfft! Metabo-Quil? Gimme a break! Real men take rogaine and fix-a-flat. Look what it did for Don King.
:cool:


edit: Mispelled rogaine.....its all that viagra-lax I'm taking.
 
This stuff is great, can't believe that theres a woman crazy as Stuart. The thing with the fingerprint was way out there. ;)
 
Steven301 said:
This stuff is great, can't believe that theres a woman crazy as Stuart. The thing with the fingerprint was way out there. ;)
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Ah, but you have to consider that she is just a hallucination that he has brought upon himself.......<twilight zone theme music>
 
He might be crazy, he might be psycho, but he might also be right about everything.
 
sirholio said:
(read all of them if you haven't)
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If I'm a retard for asking this, I apologize in advance, but where are the rest?? All I see is Stuart I.... I neeeed to seeee the rest!!!
 
I've noticed quite a few Mac folks to be just like Stuart in almost every category...

Linux folks often too, but not near the frequency of Mac folks.

The only thing different is Mac folks drive Volkswagons or one of those Hybrid things.
 
Just remember the old truism. . .

"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean there's not someone after you."
 
digital_exhaust said:
If I'm a retard for asking this, I apologize in advance, but where are the rest?? All I see is Stuart I.... I neeeed to seeee the rest!!!
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I was wondering the same thing "Why arent there links to the rest of them ON THIS PAGE?"
 
The end of XV in the line: "People say I am crazy but it takes all my time. I am just looking for clues at the scene of the crime… "

Is totally the lyrics to Life's Been Good by Joe Walsh

Anyone else catch that?
 
Unknown-One said:
I was wondering the same thing "Why arent there links to the rest of them ON THIS PAGE?"
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They are on the www.hardocp.com news page. They will be there for another 24 hours then removed.
 
"I saw you wink at me today while you were talking in your sultry voice about installing RAM. Put it in the slot and push down, reading you loud and clear ;)"

"He’s worried that you won’t like him because he only has one testicle"

roflmao
 
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